The first year of our marriage was full of ups and downs, more downs than ups for me. Rhys was unaware of the secrets I held in my heart, but he knew I wanted children and that I missed familiar faces. A few months before our fist anniversary, we moved to Grande Prairie to be closer to friends of ours so I might feel more comfortable and miss ``home`` less. It definately wasn`t home to me so I had left expecting never to return to Rhys or Canada for that matter.
I returned to my childhood home in Alaska, but much had changed in the three years since I left for college in Canada. My sister and brother were different people, my parents had seemed to grow distant from eachother., my friends and even the church family I grew up with had changed and evolved so much I no longer felt I truly knew any of them. Upon my arrival I had an uneasy feeling that I simply no longer belonged there. Rhys most definately had the same feeling as he took time off work, drove the three or four thousand miles alone, and personally, face to face, pleaded to save our marriage.
I was reluctant at first, but after he had discovered the hiddne affair I started before leaving Canada, I felt obligated to come clean and start fresh. We reconsiled and returned home, more awkward than before, Rhys unable to trust and me unwilling to accept him as the man God meant for me.
Our third Christmas was upon us and I was secretly planning another escape while we waited on the results of our fertility tests. Rhys had passed his test, but mine was announced to be `unexplainable infertility`. The news sent me reeling. I don`t believe I had ever been so angry with God in all my life. I dreampt about giving birth at the young age of nine years old. I believed it was my purpose in life. To be a mother was all I ever wanted and God had denied me the ability, the privilage of bearing my own children.
With that knowledge, it was easier to carry out my plans to leave Rhys once and for all and start a new life with someone that knew nothing of my past and dirty secrets.
I had written a letter, packed my things, and began my treck south to become the bride of a soldier in the US army, who was preparing to deploy to Germany and take me with him to live on base. He was sweet and protective and knew that Rhys wasn`t the husband I wanted. He proffessed his love for me and that he would treat me better and love me with more passion than Rhys ever could. In my weakest moment, I clung to this hope of romance, excited to become a new person.
Along my way, I made an over night stop in Edmonton and began to make myself comfortable in the room of the cheapest motel I could find. Earlier, I recieved a text message from a friend I respected and looked upto, much like an older brother. To protect his identity, I will name him Adam for the sake of this story. Adam expressed his hope to at least say good bye before I moved on with my life forever. I couldn`t refuse. He had been a great friend to this point and I saw no harm in allowing myself this final moment of companionship with someone from what I expected to be part of my `soon to be put behind me` past. The drive from Grande Prairie to Edmonton isn`t a short or pleasant one at any time of day, let-alone at night when the sun and its cheeriness has sunk below the skyline.
Adam drove this dreary road for hours before finally reaching my room late that night. He brought with him the promises God had for me since the beginning of time and a determination to restore me to my Father`s embrace.
Undaunted by what Adam shared or the thought of what Rhys might be going through, my plans didn`t change. I took a call from the soldier on his way to sweep me off my feet. After telling him about the dear friend who stopped in to say good bye and visit with me for one last time, the soldier became extremely jealous and angry that I would allow another man into my room. Belittled, I pleaded and wept, hoping this man would have mercy on me for the sacrifices I was making inorder to give myself to him. He continued to spew hurtful words, told me he was getting back on the road to meet me and that it wouldn`t be long and he`d be there by morning. After a uncarrying `I love you`, we said good bye and I returned to my room where Adam sat confused and filled with compassion.
``Cassie, that was not you.`` He said. I began to understand that I was being manipulated and if this man and I were to physically meet, I honestly couldn`t predict if he would rape and murder me or not.
The night wore on and I grew tired. Taking the queen size bed for myself, Adam respectfully took the small loveseat for his bed and we slept, me more than him as his heart was burdened with concern for me.
The next morning, I awoke and turned to Adam who said, "I still have a bad feeling." This I tried to ignore and continued to go about my plans. Adam offered to take me to breakfast at a nearby resturant, willingly, I accepted, considering I had spent my last few dollars getting to the motel. I couldn`t eat, even with the hunger in my belling causing voicturous groans.
Adam would not let his concern for me go unvoiced and continued to try to convince me the path I was on would only end in pain and death. He reminded me of my choice to follow Christ and the claim to the inheritence meant only for royalty in the spiritual realms. He told me to just let go of my plans and come back to Grande Prairie, whether to go back to Rhys or not. I only wept in reply, feeling the tug on my heart to do what God was asking of me, but to stubborn to give up my dream life. I continued to cry even as we left the resturaunt and got back into Adam's truck.
We drove until we came to a stop light where Adam again instructed me to let go of my desire and do what was right, but I began to sob even more. Repeatedly, he pleaded with me to change my heart and the tears continued to pour. I wept uncontrollably, my shoulders heaving as I gasped for air between bellows. To this day, I have never cried harder than at that moment. I felt a fight within me, the roar of my selfish desires desperately trying to distract me from the gentle call to aim myself down the path of righteousness.
Adam found a parking lot and pulled over, giving me his full attention, still pleading. I refused to change my will, I would cling to this plan of mine until there was nothing left of me. Finally, Adam begins to pray allowed, pleading that God would reach through to me. He asked once again that I change my mind.
I replied with, ``I can`t!``
His response was, ``Pray for the will to then.``
Silently, mentally I cast up a simple prayer asking God to give me the will to change. Instantly, the tears stopped. My breathing regulated. My heart no longer pounded. I was quite. As if a light has been switched off, my sobbing had stopped. I remember sensing a peace stronger than any peace I could imagine at that moment. My mind was clear and I knew what I needed to do.
Looking at Adam, I told him I was ready. He began to lead me through the prayer that changed my life and opened my eyes, breaking the bonds that held be at bay for so long. I asked God for forgiveness, recommitted my life to Christ, and never turned back.
From that point on, I have been on a new journey, a path to discovering who I truly am and the true purpose God has for my life. I wasn`t conserned with Rhys or the soldier. I felt I was a new person and needed the chance to find myself before reconnecting to anyone, even my husband. It was as if I were the daughter of a king, betrothed to a man all my life, but waiting for the day of our union.
A young woman, not much older than myself, offered a place for me to stay and recoop when I arrived back in Grande Prairie. She lived in a basement suit with a small bed and devider to provide me my own space. While there, I learned the importance of one on oone time with my Lord and Savior and how much of a relationship it really is. Before ``The Change`` I felt like a goldfish and God fed me to keep me happy, but stirred my water when I wasn`t pleasing Him. Leonna was so in love with Christ and had a deeper relationship with God than most christians I had met. She would talk openly to Him throughout the day, no matter where she was. Her apartment was her cackoon and she was a beautiful butterfuly being prepared to be released into her destiny.
There was one day when Leonna and i returned home, with Adam over for a visit. We decided to have a prayer time when we felt the need to pray for eachother. Leonna had a pain in her side, having as sense it was more than her own pain, she asked if my stomach ached as well. I was taken aback, unsure what to think, but my stomach had ached much of my adult life to that point (a dull pain, but nothing disruptive for me). I never thought much of it until afterwords. Leonna placed a hand on the right side of my lower abdomine where I indicated the pain was and she began to pray over me. I don`t know how long we prayed, but we ended up on our knees in worship by the end. I wouldn`t realize the difference in my body for some months, but there was a difference... I`ll refer back to this shortly.
In February 2007, I woke up on the first Sunday of the month with the notion that it was finally the day I would reunite with my husband. Up until that day, Rhys and I had been casually dating and he was not sure when we would be together again as man and wife. That morning, I shared my news with Leonna and her happiness for me overflowed through tears of joy and embraces, giggles, and joyful thought sof our reunion. We packed my belongings and set them at the door of our apartment. I dressed myself in the best outfit I had, fixed my hair, put a little make up on and prepared myself for the special occassion almost as if it were my wedding day all over again.
Church ended and we invited Rhys to the apartment for lunch where he was greeted by my luggage. The smile he gave me then has stuck with me ever since, it was more joy I had seen than even the day we had wed a few short years before.
Returning home with my husband that day was so much better than that of our honeymoon. My heart was over joyed and filled with love and happiness for my husband and our new life together as man and wife centered on the Rock, Jesus Christ.
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